I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
