You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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