I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
