it hurts more in the daytime
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
