I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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