turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
