And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy