when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt