then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
