4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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