I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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