I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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