Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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