my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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