I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I understand Curling. That high.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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