Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
