Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
