I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
