I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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