Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
