you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
