omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
