i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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