Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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