I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
