One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
