please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
