I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
