now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
