mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
