Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
