My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
