Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
