when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
