My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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