Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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