and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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