Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
