she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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