she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
