I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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