I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
