i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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