I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
