I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
