my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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