I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
