its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
