Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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