Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
