Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
