Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
