The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
