I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
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you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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