Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
