i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
