and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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