Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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