I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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