I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
