He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
