I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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