I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
